Not What I Was Fired For
For the record, folks: These are fiction and not to be taken seriously. I write them for catharsis; I am committed to non-violence outside of my prose. Okay? Carry on!
All for Spacedlaw, because she remains so heroically encouraging.
Not What I Was Fired For
#1#
It was Friday at 4:55 PM when ‘Hell In High Heels’ informed me I’d be working late alone in her place.
“Sorry, I can’t. It’s my anniversary. Five years, can you believe it?”
She was unmoved. “Reschedule. The deadline’s midnight tonight.”
I smiled the smile of the damned. “No.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.”
I drew my blade then, and she drew hers. Five minutes later I was pointedly ignoring the curious subway commuters’ furtive glances at the blood drying in my hair.
One guy gave me his card, though. He asked, “Can you start Monday?”
“Sure, but no overtime.”
Not What I Was Fired For This Xmas
Merry Christmas!
This jolly drabble goes out to Spacedlaw, who is a gift in and of herself.
Disclaimer: For the record, folks: These are fiction and not to be taken seriously. I write them for catharsis; I am committed to non-violence outside of my prose. Okay? Carry on!
#21#
Spending Christmas in my cubicle really wasn’t so bad. Without the usual interruptions from coworkers, clients, and supervisors, I was incredibly productive. Purely in terms of work volume, it was easily my best day of the year.
It took the full eight-hour shift to design and construct a Rube Goldberg device made entirely of office supplies that would skewer, incinerate and crush my boss the next time he crossed the threshold into his office. That’s what he gets for rigging the drawing so I would be his Secret Santa this year.
Newfound job satisfaction was my little gift to myself.
Not What I Was Fired For
Here’s another bitter drabble for sweet Spacedlaw.
Standard Disclaimer: For the record, these are fiction and not to be taken seriously. I write them for catharsis; I am committed to non-violence outside of my prose. Okay? Carry on!
#22#
Every morning, my decision to take the elevator or the stairs depends entirely on whether or not my boss arrives ahead of me. She prefers the elevator, and I can tell if she’s already entered the office because her perfume transforms the lift into a virtual death trap for all who follow her.
Some mornings, after climbing eight flights to my floor and wobbling weakly to my cubicle, I find her waiting in my seat. Her noxious aroma makes the very air ripple around her – I don’t dare breathe.
Fortunately, a single lit match expels the funk and its source.
Not What I Was Fired For (Jogging)
Standard Disclaimer: For the record, these are fiction and not to be taken seriously. I write them for catharsis; I am committed to non-violence outside of my prose. Okay? Carry on! (Also: For Spacedlaw)
#23#
Joggers provide much needed entertainment during my commute, bounding and jiggling their way about the city as they do. But joggers can be discourteous, occasionally transforming sidewalks into the court of full contact pedestrian derby. I’m no jogger, but I am an accomplished sidewalk athlete in my own right; when I see a jogger become a ‘jostler’, I give as good as I get.
One morning, I crossed paths with my jogging boss. I planted my feet and shouldered her over the handrail of the bridge.
A pedestrian coworker crossed the street to give me a high-five and, “Ten points!”
Not What I Was Fired For: The Rumor Mill
Standard Disclaimer: For the record, these are fiction and not to be taken seriously. I write them for catharsis; I am committed to non-violence outside of my prose. Okay? Carry on! (Also: For Spacedlaw)
#24#
Say what you want about the workplace rumor mill, but you have to admit it has its uses. During the recession, it comes in handy whenever our company reveals another impending round of layoffs. Each time, we cubicle-workers save ourselves by feeding the best paid of our worst bosses to the rumor mill. Rumors fly, another manager suddenly abandons their post, and their unmerited salary saves a handful of cubicle jobs. It’s proved great for workplace culture and the company’s bottom line.
Of course, ‘The Rumor Mill’ is what we call the wood chipper kept behind the office for emergencies.
Not What I Was Fired For: Hot Air
Standard Disclaimer: For the record, these are fiction and not to be taken seriously. I write them for catharsis; I am committed to non-violence outside of my prose. Okay? Carry on! (Also: For Spacedlaw)
#25#
“You’re the best boss, ever.”
“Whatever they’re paying you, it’s not enough.”
“This place would fall apart without you.”
After a few weeks of constant praise, my boss’s head grew so large he couldn’t fit out the door of his corner office. He didn’t mind; the airhead was content to bob vapidly along the ceiling during meetings. It gave him the best possible view of my cleavage, after all.
However, heat also rises. I cranked the thermostat and waited for his plea to open a window. He drifted several stories up before I surrendered to temptation and burst his bubble.
My tweets for 2012-02-04
- @phiala Ooh! I like weaving. in reply to phiala 17:27:55, 2012-02-04
- @phiala @fadeaccompli Will there be pics even if there aren't extras? Visual gratification is also a welcome gratification.
in reply to phiala 17:29:52, 2012-02-04 - The bread is rising… #fb 23:20:45, 2012-02-04
- New blog post: My tweets for 2012-02-03 http://t.co/xRJh22SN 00:00:21, 2012-02-05
- I fell down the stairs and all I got (visibly) was this puny bruise?! Psh! #ow #fb http://t.co/DrRhGKLD 00:21:37, 2012-02-05
- @followthelede Everything still hurts, plus some new hurts from fall-tweaked muscles, but all I ended up with was a faint bruise on one knee in reply to followthelede 00:22:00, 2012-02-05
- @followthelede Still feeling very lucky I didn't brain myself, though. That rail passed right before my eyes… in reply to followthelede 00:22:29, 2012-02-05
- @followthelede Yeah. I was lucky, too, that I fell on casual Friday. Was wearing my safety jeans, or my knees would have been a mess. in reply to followthelede 00:29:13, 2012-02-05
- @followthelede Did you get any lovely scars? Most of my wounds leave no scars. Kind of annoying. :S in reply to followthelede 00:29:51, 2012-02-05
- @BuffySquirrell I wind up a mess at the bottom (and sometimes the top, magically) of a flight of stairs every year. Lucky not to be dead. in reply to BuffySquirrell 00:30:58, 2012-02-05
- @BuffySquirrell But yeah, the almost falling will get the heart racing. Whew! Appreciation for life requires a little nerve-wracking. in reply to BuffySquirrell 00:32:04, 2012-02-05
- @BuffySquirrell Sometimes I wonder if gravity doesn't glitch out on stairs. It groks incline planes alright, but steps? Woah! in reply to BuffySquirrell 00:34:08, 2012-02-05
- @followthelede I'd never get around to blogging if it wasn't technically cheating on my fiction.
in reply to followthelede 00:43:17, 2012-02-05 - @phiala Nom! Sounds delightful. in reply to phiala 00:49:15, 2012-02-05
- @DDSyrdal Yeah, but I've been very lucky, too. in reply to DDSyrdal 01:08:11, 2012-02-05
- This is the bread that @bazrar made! #fb http://t.co/DK0ptpS5 02:20:38, 2012-02-05
- @followthelede Youch! No fun. in reply to followthelede 02:41:01, 2012-02-05
- @jolantru Very pretty. in reply to jolantru 03:27:03, 2012-02-05
My tweets for 2012-02-03
- @DelilahSDawson Wonderful news! in reply to DelilahSDawson 13:37:10, 2012-02-03
- @wood_artist Lovely! All of them, lovely! in reply to wood_artist 13:40:58, 2012-02-03
- Hah, silent green is evil! First plants caused ice ages, new research reveals: http://t.co/h6tDnGX0 #science #fb 14:05:12, 2012-02-03
- Relevant to my WIP: Unraveling a butterfly's aerial antics could help builders of bug-size flying robots: http://t.co/vvulWoNc #science #fb 14:05:34, 2012-02-03
- NOM! Purple potatoes lower blood pressure in people with obesity & hypertension without increasing weight http://t.co/5vk9hcuE #science #fb 14:06:19, 2012-02-03
- Fell down the stairs at the train station. Only bruises, nothing broken, but missed serious head injury on railing by about 2 inches. #fb 22:19:58, 2012-02-03
- @mamajoan Nobody even stopped to help me up. This is not my week. in reply to mamajoan 22:24:36, 2012-02-03
- @wood_artist Alas, it's either painkillers or alcohol, but not both. But there's still the whole weekend to choose again… in reply to wood_artist 22:56:07, 2012-02-03
- @djolder Thanks! in reply to djolder 23:05:12, 2012-02-03
- New blog post: My tweets for 2012-02-02 http://t.co/b1andPTW 00:13:52, 2012-02-04
- @Moogie Thanks. A good lesson for me to be more careful. in reply to Moogie 00:20:55, 2012-02-04
- @followthelede The slowing is key. I've done the painkiller and the hot bath. Ice is coming now that I can bear to touch my knees again… in reply to followthelede 01:31:15, 2012-02-04
- @followthelede Also, comfort food for the win: Chips and salsa. We are of one mind, tonight! in reply to followthelede 01:31:59, 2012-02-04
- I let myself have the night off for a tummy ache, but for some reason I'm reluctant to do the same after falling down stairs. Hm… #fb 01:52:25, 2012-02-04
My tweets for 2012-02-02
- Sick, sick, sick. #fb 12:38:44, 2012-02-02
- @jenniferbrozek @sfwa Congrats! in reply to jenniferbrozek 23:08:09, 2012-02-02
- @JeanJAuthor Wonderful!! Party time! in reply to JeanJAuthor 23:09:59, 2012-02-02
- My guts have finally mellowed, but I'm still tired like I haven't slept most of the past 24 hrs. #fb 23:11:53, 2012-02-02
- New blog post: My tweets for 2012-02-01 http://t.co/soqeHWEU 00:09:15, 2012-02-03
- @wood_artist Sea bugs! in reply to wood_artist 00:38:21, 2012-02-03
- @followthelede ASAP, I promise. in reply to followthelede 01:50:58, 2012-02-03
- @followthelede Optimally. I'll be doing all the heavy lifting around here for a while, but he's otherwise up to his usual mischief. in reply to followthelede 02:41:12, 2012-02-03
My tweets for 2012-02-01
- New blog post: Happy 8th Anniversary to Bart and Kay! http://t.co/30IhWBpz 05:09:02, 2012-02-01
- Thanks for all the happy anniversary wishes! @wnwagner @spacedlaw @followthelede @ect @wood_artist @JulietteWade! 13:57:59, 2012-02-01
- How am I supposed to get anything done when the world is so interesting this morning?! #fb 14:09:26, 2012-02-01
- @jolantru Thank you! in reply to jolantru 14:11:36, 2012-02-01
- Spider's detachable penis finishes without him: http://t.co/7OfCw4HD #science #fb 14:26:02, 2012-02-01
- Komen halted funding to #PlannedParenthood? Time to bring back the SuperUterus! 100% profits donated to #PP http://t.co/IVXpg92C #fb 14:29:05, 2012-02-01
- New blog post: Linky-dink Eats Delicious Whole Grain URLs for Breakfast http://t.co/OGdLDXdE #fb 14:30:24, 2012-02-01
- @torreybird @Metafrantic Thank you! in reply to torreybird 14:30:43, 2012-02-01
- @mamajoan Does it get louder when you get closer to an electronic device? Especially a computer? in reply to mamajoan 14:31:27, 2012-02-01
- @mamajoan Could be. I asked because my headphones and my cell phone speakers sometimes buzz when they get too close to my crappy dayjob PC in reply to mamajoan 14:38:54, 2012-02-01
- @mamajoan Ah. If it was ambient noise, you should notice at least a small change in the hum when you move like that.
in reply to mamajoan 14:42:39, 2012-02-01 - @galendara @Metafrantic Thank you!! in reply to galendara 14:43:05, 2012-02-01
- @spacedlaw Yum! Thank you!! in reply to spacedlaw 15:14:28, 2012-02-01
- Get back to work! Crossed Genres opens to submissions for new anthology – MENIAL: Skilled Labor in SF via @crossedgenres #fb in reply to crossedgenres 15:18:38, 2012-02-01
- Child abuse in one year ultimately costs US $124 billion, CDC reports http://t.co/dqcONYdR #fb 19:55:04, 2012-02-01
- My hypoglycemia is interested in this, but my sweet tooth isn't: Regulate sugar like booze and cigarettes? Maybe http://t.co/usVSLURj #fb 20:51:11, 2012-02-01
- New blog post: My tweets for 2012-01-31 http://t.co/NaL3CB6J 00:07:55, 2012-02-02
My tweets for 2012-01-31
- Relevant to my interests: Body location plays part in scratching pleasure http://t.co/Zt7IHXjy #relief! #science #fb 13:58:22, 2012-01-31
- New blog post: Reading Subversion (Day 6: The End) http://t.co/ed0aqMoq 15:26:11, 2012-01-31
- Unexpectedly on a roll. I've already written three posts today, and I've got plans for another late this evening. #HappyAnniversary #fb 17:04:54, 2012-01-31
- @followthelede As if schools have nothing better to do with their time. in reply to followthelede 19:24:35, 2012-01-31
Linky-dink Eats Delicious Whole Grain URLs for Breakfast
The world is just too interesting this morning!
Smart paint could revolutionize structural safety of bridges, mines and more
Smart clothing could become wearable gadgets
Car folds up like origami (on purpose)
Music training has biological impact on aging
Scientists have found a way to decipher actual words from a person’s brain waves
Marijuana mouth spray for cancer patients tough to abuse
Reading Subversion (Day 6: The End)
The end has arrived. These are the last two stories in the Subversion anthology, but at least they provide a fine sendoff. Both warn us about the dangers of being manipulated by extremism, and both emphasize the value of personal responsibility as the antidote for that social ill.
Timothy T. Murphy’s Received Without Content raises that warning plainly, and makes the point that disadvantaged people are most vulnerable to predation by those who capitalize on injustice instead of resisting it. Readers are also shown that suggestibility and ignorance are no excuse for carelessness. Accepting the consequences for poor judgment is an especially courageous act when the easier alternative is to blame others for dangerous leadership.
In To Sleep With Pachamama by Caleb Jordan Schulz, we’re reminded that establishing freedom in the face of extremism is a risky endeavor at the best of times and never for the fainthearted. Beyond that, standing for the rights of others is a natural maturation of individual freedom, even as it demands a certain willingness of individuals to place their hard-won independence in jeopardy. Oppressors may describe these acts as ‘returning to the scene of the crime,’ but that this messy heroism arises again and again throughout history is a testament of its value to our continuation.
Make the authors happy. Make yourself happy. Buy the book.
Reading Subversion (Day 5)
At first glance, the next three stories in the Subversion anthology don’t seem to have a whole lot in common. They take place in a dreary, futuristic call center, a fantastic world of dragons and their human snacks, and Hell itself. The characters are worker drones, royalty, and demons. No obvious theme besides subversion, the theme for the entire anthology, for me to develop into a clever introductory paragraph for today’s reading.
But who said the connection between them had to be obvious? A closer examination shows us that these are three very different stories about daring escapes from cruel systems that care nothing for the individuals they depend on for maintenance.
Scrapheap Angel by RJ Astruc and Deirdre M. Murphy is the baldest, cheeriest example of today’s unifying theme. I’m particularly fond of this story because, like the main characters, I spend my weekdays toiling in a corporate cubicle. Also like the characters – and probably everyone else working in similar situations – I pass a lot of time daydreaming my escape and quietly undermining oppression. Still, I doubt the contents of my cubicle will ever combine to form anything quite as amazing as a Scrapheap Angel.
CA Young’s story, The Dragon’s Bargain, contains a warning against ignorance and blind trust. Also, plans formed at the last minute often disappoint, and sometimes catastrophically. To escape a messy fate on the teeth of a hungry power, one must come prepared to the fight. Lest one’s sacrifice be for someone else’s gain…
A Tiny Grayness in the Dark by Wendy N. Wagner is a tear-jerker. Although other stories in the Subversion anthology have children as main characters, none give parents credit for much good. It’s true that some parents are simply awful or too wholesome to be healthy, but most parents sacrifice a lot of themselves for the benefit of their offspring. A Tiny Grayness in the Dark shines a light on love as both motive for and quintessential expression of subversion.
This series of reviews will end soon, but why wait for me to finish reading the book? Buy it here.
Reading Subversion (Day 4)
The next three stories in the Subversion anthology are all about germination; growth and change from within. Each reveals a different sort of transformation of a different type of group, but all these stories follow one person taking one step in the right direction. They show us that leaders must first revolutionize themselves before they can expect to lead a revolution.
Jean Johnson’s The Hero Industry possesses more whimsy than most of the other stories in the Subversion anthology, but it’s still a good fit. In it, our heroine makes the most of a bad situation for all involved by bluffing and press-releasing her way to the top of an emerging field. All of her success – for herself and her unlikely clients – would be impossible if she was unwilling to negotiate with chaos.
In Flicka, by Cat Rambo, life in the backwoods gets complicated when the arrival of strange neighbors inevitably spurs identity crises among the locals. One young man, exceptional in his own quiet way, wants to bridge the divide between the ‘aliens’ and their reluctant hosts, but trust takes time to build, and hatred undermines all hospitality. To make things right in his world, the gentle man must start with himself and build from there.
Seed, by Shanna Germain, is a many-layered story. Uniquely among the other Subversion stories, it first leads the reader to accept the unacceptable even before the characters must. It examines the delicate relationship between two vastly different cultures, but doesn’t shy from the double-standards within those cultures which make that cross-cultural relationship so attractive. Sometimes rules must be broken for people to embrace each other’s differences, and oftentimes those two acts amount to the same thing.
There are only a few stories left in the Subversion anthology for me to review. Buy it here, and beat me to the finish.