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Stand There and Watch Me Burn

Posted by kayholt on October 1, 2010 in family, health |

This post has multiple foci, but I’m confident you’re all grown-up enough to handle that. The subject line is from a song of adults by adults for adults. Listen (and read) responsibly.

This post has daddy issues: Recently, I found myself feeling resentful about my dad’s suicide. It’s a normal emotion, even predictable, but I still shocked myself by thinking, “Now that he’s dead, I can’t rub his nose in the fact that I’m a much better parent than he was.” For a moment, I was so ashamed and absorbed in self-rebuke that I almost missed my train stop. And then I felt bad for bumping a stranger as I dashed out the doors.

I might not have shared this at all (it’s so expected and generally uninteresting, why bother?), except that last night I got a call from my baby sister. She’s still mourning, and her grief comes with a side of guilt. This is in part because of something awful dad said about her before he killed himself. When she told me, the remainders of my shame were shredded like thin smoke in a stiff breeze, and the sting of self-flagellation soothed by the old familiar freezer burn of my anger at him for being a horrible parent.

If I believed in sin, I would require absolution for being righteous and prideful. And probably for hate in my heart. But I’m not ready to repent for the sins of my father. This fire is my only inheritance, and I’ll surrender it when it no longer keeps me warm.

This post is a loser: I got tired of being so tired, so I decided to stop lugging around so much extra weight. Physical weight, not emotional weight; I’m clearly more attached to the latter. There’s an app to help perform shrinky self-destruction (come on, you know that’s what weight loss really is!), and if you’re into this bizarre aspect of human behavior, you could do worse than MyNetDiary. Of course, I use the iPhone app because I’m on the ‘smaller is better’ bandwagon, now.

This post is pro choice: I love my son. I never want to have an abortion. I wish no woman ever needed an abortion. The problem is that sometimes bad sperm happens to good people and we need a contingency plan. Because Teabaggers and other Republicans have once again declared open-season on reproductive rights, I’m calling on every American who loves liberty to put your vote in ‘D’ this November, and make those misogynist motherfuckers eat our dust.

Regardless of what one’s political affiliations are, it makes no sense for Americans to vote against freedom of choice.

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